It's been a while.

Lately I've been feeling like a complete jerk.

I feel like all I'm good for is superficial things. I get sad when I watch movies like Titanic. During that last scene where Kate Winslet walks up the stairs and Leo turns around and takes her hand and everyone claps? Cried like a baby (There's a lot of crying in my entries these days =P). Anyhow, even though it's only a movie, it still kind of makes my heart ache a little bit because I want something like that. I know true, pure love exists because God gave His son to us in spite of our sins, and His son gave his life for us. Some people argue that the only reason this pure, complete love is possible is because God is divine. We are not. But I know it exists, it's been implanted in my heart - maybe helped out a bit by the love stories and movies we hear about daily, but I believe in it. Even though I get distracted and confused and lost and mislead... I guess God's given me love and hope for my own love, and I feel like even a fraction of that gift would be too much to comprehend. Then there's God's love for us, which I suppose can't be compared to anything... In both cases I suppose I'll know it when the time's right.

I never thought I'd say it because of all of the hideous mishappenings of last year, but I miss being a sophomore when all of my friends were still in high school. I miss them terribly!

Working is great fun, but I'm sorry to say that I haven't been sleeping much lately because I've been going over orders in my head and how to make things and over-rings and switching my shifts, and I see my uniform shirt and my resolve to do anything just kind of melts away and I think I might as well nap because I have to work in 3 hours. Blahhh... I wish i could skip the rest of  this week. I want hell week to be over too so my boss doesn't get angry with me even though that's inevitable...UGHHH i have to find someone to switch shifts with me. I'm hoping one of three of my friends will be able to. I dunno, I've just felt so overwhelmed that I don't feel like doing anything anymore. Not homework, drawing, homework, music, drawing, anything.

At the night rehearsal I got owned for crossing my legs and staring into space during part of a song we were playing. I was ready to come in at the measure I was supposed to, but I just couldn't get into it. I could seriously feel ZERO life in the music. And I know literally every note rhythm and pitch of this piece... And let me tell you it is AWESOME. I have it on my itunes, and I can play the relative pitches on one hand (pinky finger being the highest pitch and thumb being the lowest). Idk if I'm drained or what, but I feel like I'm sleepwalking and I want it to stop -- I just don't know how.

DEAR MINH: STOP IGNORING ME

Today some friends and I watched Joe play Shadow of the Colossus, which I now really regret selling. Because even though it was hard, and I kind of suck at all non-RPG games, there was seriously no better feeling than watching one of those giant stone monsters fall over in defeat. When I got home and got to work on my english twain rebuttel, I had to watch the ending on youtube. SOOooo gorgeous, that truly is "the art game" and I think everyone should play it. Alex Sam and Joe are all going to yell at me now because I talked about how much I hated it before. But I have truly had a change of heart.

I don't want to go to school.

I want to sing in rehearsal tomorrow, not dance.

I want to know things I don't know.

I want to hear things that I can't.

I want to go back in time.

I want to stop doing stupid things and figure things out.

I want to stop.

I want to stop.

I want to stop.

I pretty much have stopped. But I'm still worried I made a big mistake... But I'm told it wasn't a mistake so I'm going with that. I want to go on a road trip to Japan. Let's go! My car doubles as a boat. I got my first set of keys.

OH YEAH!!

It was completely dark. When I pulled into the parking lot it took around a half hour to park... Which wouldn't have been possible if I hadn't been driving the Civic because it's little. There were people strolling by every few seconds, all wearing dark clothes with miserly expressions. I thought they looked like ghosts. When I parked I ran up on snow and slid a little and my heart leapt up a little bit. It was a parking spot on a cliff in front of a bunch of trees. When I walked to the building there were people outside smoking and crying, and when I went inside I thought I would start crying too because that's all I saw.

My mom taught me that when you're trying to support someone you need to keep it together.

So I stood and I waited in line with the other sad faces, and then I saw him and I gave him the biggest hug I could. I felt the tears coming but I held them back. I'm pretty good at that. We talked for a little, he said he liked my letter. Then he had to go see and talk and hug other people. He smiled and laughed and that made my heart a little bit lighter. But it was still there. That weight will be there underneath it all. If we all keep it together and stay supportive maybe time will work its magic more easily. When he left my Mom left too, to meet up with people she hasn't seen in a while.

She was friends with my sister, and a lot of my Mom's friends' daughters. I remember them coming over in middle school when I was in 3rd or 4th grade, making videos for Geography or English class. I looked at the photos and I remembered her face. She's a beautiful girl, a beautiful person. Selfless, is the word that came up a lot. When I couldn't find my Mom I walked around looking at photos, and then I got lost. I was standing in the middle of the crying faces and staring, because I couldn't see anything. I just stared. I stared and thought and for a moment it felt as if time was slowing down, and I was alone in this huge ocean of people crying and hugging. Earlier my Mom said we wouldn't see her. She didn't want to and I didn't either because I was scared. When I was at the last photo board with her senior pictures on it, I felt a tap on my shoulder and Mrs. Burnett, Mrs. Romano, and my Mom were talking. When I turned around I realized she was right there sleeping.

Looking at the photos and looking at her sleeping felt almost as if... I wanted to say, "Wake up, wake up! Look at all these people that are here talking and crying and laughing and loving, all for you." And then she would wake up and stretch, and start shaking peoples' hands. And then all the crying would be gone, and the sad faces would be gone, and the weight would be gone. But she slept, and my Mom said we were leaving. I gave him 4 or 5 hugs goodbye, and we walked out to the car. When I was walking towards the building beforehand, I remember thinking about the noise I heard as the ghosts walked around by my side. I heard cars and horns and people running up on snow in spots in front of cliffs with trees. My heart was disturbed and I could hear it and see it.

When we walked out I remember hearing a profound silence. Not the kind they talked about in The Bucket List... Just a peaceful one. I couldn't see the ghosts anymore; just other people that felt the weight. We got to the car and I sat in the driver's seat, and I cried. I cried, I cried, I cried. I got closure, and it hit me hard. I don't cry. I sometimes pride myself on not crying. Now I feel like an idiot for that. I still felt alone. I still feel alone. I still feel the weight. But I sure do feel a whole lot better from writing this.